Closure

He found out that i deleted him from msn.

i had to. It was proving to be difficult, seeing him online, and not being able to talk to him. Felt that a clean break was necessary for us to really move on.

His text came in the middle of sound design tutorial and totally threw me. i exclaimed so loudly that the tutor asked if there were facebook politics going on hurhur. Struggled for awhile, but decided to come clean and tell him. Any excuse would sound phony anyway and i didnt want to lie to him. sigh.

Then came a long slew of smses. It was bad timing too, 'cuz i was rushing a deadline for fyp. He wanted to talk on the phone, but i couldnt, didn't want to also because i knew how that would turn out.

I hate that he's using emotional blackmail against me. He knows that i still care. Yet he cites reasons like my work, my convenience etc as to why i chose to end things. sigh. Im trying to see it as his way of coming to terms with things. But it sure doesn't make it any easier for me. I'm torn between feeling sad and just really pissed at him.

Called xt last night and she really helped. Thanks for riding out all the emotional drama with me all these times! Don't know what i'd do without you.

Anyway. Wanted to blog about cny and vday, then this happened. Will do so soon, if i manage to get pics from my cousin. Got to spend more time with the relatives since my parents were overseas. Felt really blessed this cny. Even though im not that close to my dad's side (mom's side in japan), they are all really generous to a fault. haha and i dont mean that just in terms of red packets. They really go out of their way to be hospitable and make you feel at home. Met up with different groups of friends too and went to universal studios. i missed him during vday, but was glad for jang and yufan who spent it with me hanging out till the wee hours of the AM heh. All in all, quite a good one i'd say.

Aiight. its 12pm. Time to get the day started. :(

Runner's high

Good morning world!

Woke up this morning at 7am for the first time since internship. Voluntarily, not because i have to. Went for a run too, for the first time since who knows when. First time this year, thats for sure. haha so proud of myself that i had to blog about it.

From training 4 times a week in jc, its really bad that i hardly exercise nowadays. Ever since i picked up the e-guit, it seems that my passion for running has been eclipsed. Quite telling in how i read Total Guitar now instead of Runner's World magazine. heh or maybe im just making excuses for my laziness.

Anyway, i think sleeping early really makes a whole world of difference! haha. Despite sleeping for about 6.5 hours, im feeling quite awake now. it's prolly the run too. I want to do this more often. Feels really good to wake up early. To be able to go for run, do qt, practise some guitar...do the things i love before the rest of the world wakes up and i have to deal with fyp, school and other gross things. hahaha im going to have to wake up at 5am then if all thats gonna happen.

Shall try for 7am. i think i can do that for certain days that i don't have school. i hope it lasts! :)

Too much to drink. i dont know how i'm going to wake up for my 10am class tomm.

Mark Tremonti

One of my favourite players. I love how he can take ideas from blues players like Stevie Ray Vaughn and make them his own by giving it a more hard rock edge. He is very technical, but also very melodic. Also uses a PRS guitar!

His instructional dvd The Sound and The Story is solid stuff. Full of material- he actually teaches and breaks down some of his riffs, and also has material from other guest players too. The Story side of the dvd is also dam inspiring! i've been wanting to learn the Blackbird solo for the longestttt time and i can finally play it because of this! :)

Anyway, some quotes from him:

"Solos- if they don't say anything, they're pointless. A solo that makes a song better is worth playing. But if its not, if its just showing off technique, it's not worth putting in."

"I want to make it a time where a listener who might not be interested in guitar playing or guitar techniques can hum the melody somewhere within the solo and still appreciate it."

RESPECT.

The day's happenings

Heh for a lack of a better title. anyway, i wonder who even reads my blog nowadays. i sometimes forget theres actually an audience out there who might possibly be reading this. Here's a nice space to just type out the occasional random thought. Its nice to have a one-sided conversation sometimes, when youre too tired to go into the details but you still feel like sharing with someone.

Mom's birthday today. Spent a bomb on a gorgeous red pierre cardin wallet for her. LOVE the smell of leather. Balked at the price initially (even after 20% off, its still quite ex), but it was all worth it when i saw how surprised she was, and how much she really liked it. It really is more blessed to give than to receive. :)

Went back to school in the evening for that one module. sigh..quite disappointed at the way it's been turning out actually. im genuinely interested in this course..but the tutor's so slack, and quite disorganized in the way he teaches. Furthermore, i registered for it in the hopes of learning more MIDI programming...but turns out that its not going to be covered much here. Anyway, its week 4 already, and I don't think i've learnt anything new. Its frustrating, because he just glosses over everything, gives us very little time for hands on practise- which is the best way to get familiarised with any software! And its so weird, because he alternates between treating us like kids (silly exercises like making us each take turns to read in front of the condensor mic?!) and adults (an excuse to just skim through stuff cuz we're 'supposed to know this since we're in university'. like hello, then we won't even be taking your course?!) Gave him some feedback last week when he was talking to kairu and i...i hope he got what we were trying to say. i don't mean to complain...but it is disappointing especially if you're really interested in the subject and not just taking it to clear AUs. The tutor undoubtedly is well-versed in his area of expertise... but its one thing to be good at something and another to teach others.

On a seperate note, its been a month and two days since our break up. Kinda hard not to keep count, considering that we broke up on new year's eve. Keeping busy helps. Alot. But there are reminders of him everywhere. Like yesterday, i saw a guy on the street wearing the same shirt i bought for him. And today, i smelt that familiar scent of cologne on some random person. Made me do a double take, but it was undeniably the same smell. Songs. Places. People.

i still miss him. But i know we're both in a better place right now.

So so good. best movie ive seen in a long time. So touchingly poignant yet uplifting at the same time. i thought it would be cliched. but it was so moving. haha i watched it with shivas this afternoon and i was still talking about it to jang tonight as we were going home. i think all of us can identify with some aspects of Jenny's story or at least be inspired by it.. dreams, innocence lost, betrayal, heartbreak, disillusionment, dogged determination, triumph. these words don't even begin to describe the carefully woven intricacies and nuances within the plot. MUST WATCH.

two things i learnt from this educational (in every sense of the word) story. theres no short cut if you want to achieve something great. Don't rely on anyone but God and yourself. (definitely not some smooth-talking money-splurging wife-cheating middle-aged man. or any guy for that matter. heh)

in other news. our fyp group got our first sponsorship deal today. YAY!!

letting go and letting God

My heart hurts so much that i feel like im all torn up inside. i don't even want to try to make it sound poetic. it hurts like a bitch. the more you love, the more you hurt. You also hurt even more, knowing that he's hurting. worse, knowing that youre the cause of the hurt.

its ironic. how even though you love someone, you still somehow end up hurting him time and time again. we're no longer good for one another. we both end up feeling like crap over what can never be. The differences are too vast and love does not overcome all, much as id like to believe.

What is love anyway? i think most people's definition is not even according to 1 Corinthians 13. More often than not, love's become a euphemism for passion or lust. love is patient, love is kind.. sigh. i dont think i was very patient or kind just now. :(

we've both invested so much into this relationship. Given so much of ourselves into making this work. this is unlike any other relationship ive experienced. its not a question of love, or commitment, or communication breakdown, personality clashes or whatever usual relationship obstacle. because in all other aspects, we're soul mates. it just doesn't seem to be God's will for us. at least not right now..but i don't know if we can ever be. :( at least not when the issue at hand concerns our faith.

i guess ultimately God has to be the center of any relationship. i've given up trying to go against His will anymore. For myself, but even more so for the other party. i dont ever want to cause the kind of hurt we're going through right now. as j once said on her msn. "get it right the first time."

A song i wrote one night when i was feeling like crap. still untitled and unfinished.

Glass in a silver frame

A happy memory frozen in time

Shattered as reality comes crashing down

Against the cold hard floor

Shards that cut

Like the words i cant retrace

Echoes in my head

Accusing

Abusing

dear Lord, ill trust that You'll take care of him for me.